I'll soon write something for my blog, sorry for everyone that gets here and see no updates. I have lot of things to do in life, and few times I can get here. I'm becoming each time more occupied, that is good for me. Sadly this makes me get more far from my blog, yet I don't want to abandon this because this is my personal diary and archive, and this can be helpful for someone else.

Some stuffs I say are polemic, people dislike, its my belief, I don't know why this should be messing other peoples, yet I know too. I know this is pseudonymous and I shouldn't care much, yet I know people can identify you from standards comparison with my personal life. I had problems with real life friends that know about my belief and began to have different opinions.

Talking about spirituality you'll end up in conflict with lot ideologies and other beliefs, some people don't accept this well, this makes me feel more unsafe. And some of my blog post could be said as judgmental, prejudice or some other thing people dislike, this makes me more uncomfortable to share, we never know who is watching, and if is someone that is somewhat adversary of my idea is watching me?

Not counting some stuffs we say can end up with death threats.

Its funny how much people ask for free expression, and even the most “free” people end up repressing you when you say something against they, people want to express but they don't want you to express yourself, everyone have a threshold of what is socially permissible, and when you break that you are fucked up, be ready to lose friends and stuffs, its like that, its like materialistic things worth more than friendship or human interaction.

I love God and I love to practice spirituality, but like lot of people said to me, this is indeed an occult practice, more you show up, more you need to be ready to be crucified, I wish I had the will and courage to simple throw all I believe its truth out in the world, but I'm totally sure that would just lead me dead. I want to practice spirituality, I'll not change it never, things I saw behind my eyes are impossible to be denied, people will never understand that, they just have concept of what happens behind my eyes, those concepts based on their lack of spiritual ability comparing my experiences with their mere imagination, I had imagined things before, I had being skeptic about my visions, I had visions that lead to nothing and eluded me, this is what spiritual training is about, to separate the illusion from truth, the fake vision from the true vision, and people always begin doing wrong certain art, like, its easier to do wrongly a skate maneuver than after years of training, and so people will always see firstly the “fake vision”, its through the spiritual training that you can find the standards to separate the “true vision” from the “fake vision”, this takes years, people that wandered through “the other side” all know that, all had stupid fake visions that they got paranoid and lead to nothing, but when they finally have a vision that shows the truth? And after this vision they begin to see the “true vision”? They will notice its not the same “fake vision” people have, yet people on street will always say your vision is fake as they, like why the mind art is so judged? Someone train math and is good on that and its math skills is not fake and not judged, someone is good in psychology, and its more prejudice, some people don't believe psychologist, even if all we study is based on scientific method applied from years billions of time in billions of humans, and then, when you reach philosophy and spirituality? Oh yeah, then you are fucked up, even if you know you are not “The wise”, you'll say something and people will judge you are thinking that yourself is “wise and enlightened”, you can't help, because in this art when you say the obvious people will doubt you and say you are saying shit, don't matter how visible, they will not listen.

Not just that, I then began to avoid all political and spiritual dialogue, yet people always push up to this discussion and you see yourself having to explain your faith again and again. I see, the evil can use all their symbols, people can say whatever they want about their belief, yet when you are in spiritual path, you must shut up your mouth, anything you want to show, any symbol you want to hold, any belief you want to spread, you are fucked up, that is all. I just wanted to be a normal human, yet I see strange things, I hear strange things, yet I have to keep my mouth entirely shut for the rest of my life, I can't express myself, I can't be myself, I can't show myself, my fun, my joys, because all my culture is based on this, and so my fun and joys carry this and when people see they disrespect me entirely, what they want me to do? Delete those things from my eyes? Its impossible, its not me that decide to see those things, I can't control this, I just want to be a normal human being!

Why I have to carry this burden? Why I have to know this all and hold all in my heart by myself? Why so much secrecy? Wasn't this path to be joyful and 'smileful'? But I'm here trembling... This is because all this shit society makes all secret and shuts you up to avoid their plans to be destroyed, when you find the path of happiness you just discover that happiness is a prohibited achievement, and that you just discovered something that will force you to shut up for the rest of your life.

I wanted to share all the secrets of the world, I wanted to share all I have inside my mind and heart, yet I feel scared, I tremble, I hear bad things, I hear menaces, I lose friends... I see people around me, sharing everything in their life, very openly and spontaneously, yet their life and culture permits it, I can't say nothing spontaneously, because all that gets out of my mouth have some deep spiritual meaning, of course, spirituality is a shit near normal humans beings...

So who is the nut? Who is right?

I just want to live like a normal human being, I cry for that, it looks stupid, but its day after day controlling all my strangeness. I have to Act who I'm, pretending I'm seeing nothing. So ultimately I'm hiding a lot all that I have connection with spirituality, more because my 'open-mouth' again costed me, but I couldn't be quiet in the situation I was, but I'm feeling immensely guilty about that, its like God is asking to me “Do you feel ashamed of me?”. I was hiding my religious symbols, then I was asking myself, “what am I doing? The evil ones shows their symbols openly and I'm ashamed of Christ? Does the evil won? Evil could shut me up?”. I know for sure God exist, I know for sure spirits exist, I know for sure the evil is working and its working with evil forces out of this realm, its undeniable, look their art-works, why would they do all that if had no effect? More if you count lot of those effects have scientific name today, like, “subliminal manipulation, subconscious influence, hypnosis, neurolinguistic programming and etc”, of course there are magical effects not discovered by the science, what I mean, its pretty obvious for me that those effects exist, I have tested thousand and thousand of times and there is not a single time that it don't works.

What should I do?